


blanker permission

by ViolyntFemme



Series: Drabbles Domestica [1]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Sick Fic, but he gets the job done, gratuitous insulting of traditional scottish food, merlin is the worst nurse ever, non-consensual drawing of male genitals on non-consensually sedated people, non-consensual sedation dart usuage, rated M for swearing and references to sex, technology is put in places it should not go, this might the first thing I have written without sex in it in over fifteen years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 19:46:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16125461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViolyntFemme/pseuds/ViolyntFemme
Summary: “Oh yeah? Who’s coming over then?”“Merlin has graciously accepted my request for a temporary care-giver.”“Merlin.”“Yes.”“The man who drops people out of airplanes so he can laugh while they scream.”“He is a very good caretaker, Eggsy.”“The man who drowns rooms full of people for kicks. The man who, after I had a full body bruise from being thrown into a wall, gave me a bear hug. Him?”





	blanker permission

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Noctivaga](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noctivaga/gifts).



> This came out of one of mine and Noctivaga's nightly absurd and autocorrection nightmares of tumblr conversations in which the word "blanket" came out as "blanker" and gave me the idea of Merlin taunting a sick Eggsy about needing his blanker. 
> 
> I intend to add to this series as I take a break from long fic and work on some original fiction, but even while doing so, I need something to write that is just for fun. Each addition will be a self-contained fic with various pairings within the Kingsman universe. I currently have at least four more planned out, and I am sure as the tumblr convos continue more will appear. 
> 
> Also, the name of the series, Drabbles Domestica came from those conversations as well, and while I know all of these will likely be too long to be properly called "drabbles," the name is staying because I said. :)

**Tuesday**

“Harry,” Eggsy whines, “I’m sick, you can’t go to Scotland for the week.”

Harry sits next to Eggsy on the couch and smoothes his hair back from his sweaty forehead. “Darling, I have no choice. As Arthur I have to hold yearly meetings of the donors.”

“They can come to London,” Eggsy says before blowing his nose and turning his best puppy eyes on Harry. The same ones that got him the new Xbox before it hit stores. The same ones that got Harry to fuck him until he was non-verbal last week. The same ones that got him a personal consultation with Jeremy Scott.

“No, Eggsy.”

The same ones that are doing fucking nothing for this bitch of a situation.

“Fine, I’ll call Rox. She loves me enough to take care of me.”

“Roxanne is in Japan right now.”

Eggsy flips over on the couch, wrapping his blanket around him like a burrito and burying his face into the back cushions. He mumbles.

“Take the pillow out of your mouth so I can understand you.”

Eggsy glares at Harry over his shoulder.

“Perce then.”

“Alistair is with Roxanne.”

“Jamal.”

“You know as well as I do that Jamal can not come spend three days in this house when you are not coherent enough to supervise him. He doesn’t have the security clearance although we may think about giving him one for future dire situations such as you coming down with the flu and being such a… what is the term? Man-baby?”

“This coming from the man who made me run to Marks & Spencer no less than five times for fucking cucumber sandwiches last time he was sick.”

“One does not eat from the chippy at the corner when he is sick, Eggsy.”

“Fine, I’ll just tough it out myself then, probably die, and then you’ll feel guilty. Then you’ll be sorry you left.”

“On the contrary, I can dispose of your body and move in that young gentleman who just started in Merlin’s department.”

“I’ll stab you in your sleep, old man.”

“I certainly invite you to try. Assassination attempt as foreplay. Let’s revisit that when you are better, yes?” He leans over and kisses Eggsy’s forehead. “I am not leaving you alone, you should know me better than that.”

“Oh yeah? Who’s coming over then?”

“Merlin has graciously accepted my request for a temporary care-giver.”

“Merlin.”

“Yes.”

“The man who drops people out of airplanes so he can laugh while they scream.”

“He is a very good caretaker, Eggsy.”

“The man who drowns rooms full of people for kicks. The man who, after I had a full body bruise from being thrown into a wall, gave me a bear hug. Him?”

“He has an odd sense of humor.”

“He has it out for me, more like.”

“Nonsense, he was thrilled to come over and help.”

“Yeah, probably planning on drugging me and then experimenting on me.”

Harry hums and frowns. “That is a possibility.” The door bell rings. “There he is,” Harry checks his watch, “right on time.”

Harry answers the door and Eggsy hears them talking as they come back to the room.

“You've had your flu shot, right? I am positive this is just a cold, but it is Eggsy, and we all know that if the worst can happen, it will happen to him…”

“I’m right fucking here, yeah?” Eggsy snuffles at them.

“… So it’s best to be sure. His medicine is in the kitchen on the counter, he’s favorite blanket is currently squeezing the life out of him. I would refrain from touching it though, he’s been walking around like Linus with it so it’s a biohazard at this point and his favorite stuffed ani….”

“Fuck _off_ , Harry. Jesus Christ,” Eggsy yells, sending himself into a coughing fit.

Merlin is listening to Harry and looks as unimpressed as Eggsy has ever seen him. At the mention of a stuffed animal his eyes dart to Eggsy and he can see a manic glint in their black, soulless depths. Eggsy will never hear the end of this.

“I can take care of him for a few days, Harry. I’ve taken care of you.”

“He’s worse.”

“Cucumber sandwiches,” Merlin says.

“Thank you,” Eggsy mumbles from beneath his blanket.

Harry comes over to Eggsy and kisses his forehead once more. “I’ll be home before you know it. I love you, darling.”

“Love you too,” Eggsy replies and watches Harry leave. He looks back at Merlin when Harry has left.

Merlin is smiling.

Eggsy burrows into the couch, making himself small and less of a target.

“Buckle up, Buttercup. It’s just you and me now.”

—————

**Wednesday**

Eggsy wakes to the sound of wailing and discordant string instruments. He draws his blanket around him and hides Mr. Snuffles under the pillow before going downstairs. The kitchen smells like a dead fish. He gags. The wailing is louder.

“Guv, what the fuck is this noise?”

“Country music. John Denver to be exact.”

“Can we shut it off? Fuck.”

“No.”

“But it’s making my head ache wor…”

“No.”

“Merlin, please.”

“Eggsy, hush or I will hold Mr. Snuffles for ransom.”

“You… How the fuck do you know about Mr. Snuffles?”

“You talk in your sleep.”

“You were watching me sleep? Fucking creepy, that.”

“No, I was drawing a cock on your face with some eyeliner I found in the loo.”

Eggsy runs his hand down his face and it comes away black.

“I’m taking a shower.”

“Thank god, you smell like the arse end of three-day-old carcass.”

“Can’t smell worse than whatever the fuck it is you’re cooking.”

“This is my mother’s recipe. She swears by it when someone’s sick. It’s Cullen Skink.”

“I ain’t eating no Cullen Skank.”

“Skink, S-K-I-N-K, and you will if you’re hungry.”

Eggsy slips the blanket up over his head and goes to shower.

—————

**Thursday**

Eggsy wakes up feeling like he swallowed a tumbler full of glass shards. His skin is clammy with sweat and his head pounds.

All he wants is Harry. Harry makes him tea and toast that drips with butter. He holds cool flannels to Eggsy’s feverish skin. He cuddles and dotes and makes Eggsy feel better just by being there.

Instead he has Merlin. Merlin makes him Cullen Skank or some shit. He draws cocks on Eggsy’s face and is all around the absolute worst. Eggsy may hate him.

He gropes around the bed for his blanket. He’d know it anywhere. Threadbare and soft, it feels like the best t-shirt he owns, and he’s had it since he was a tot. He wrapped himself up in it before he fell asleep. He sits up, rooting through the bed clothes but can’t find it.

Merlin, the fucking _prick_.

He stomps downstairs, extra hard so Merlin knows he’s mad.

“Where the fuck is my blanket?” he asks Merlin's bald fucking head that is bent over some metal piece of nothing important that he is fucking with.

“There’s a blanket on the couch. Use that one, or better yet, use one of the five Harry insists on keeping on your bed.”

“I want mine,” Eggsy says reaching for the wall as he sways.

Merlin looks up up him. His eyes narrow when he sees Eggsy sway. “Sit the fuck down before you fall down.”

“Not until you give me my blanket.”

“Does wittle Eggsy need his blanker? Hmm? Does he need his special wittle blanker?”

“Right. I asked nicely, Merlin. I did.”

“What are you going to do? Cough wetly at me?”

Eggsy walks, only a little unsteady, to where Merlin’s phone connects into Harry’s sound system. He lifts the phone from the cradle and John Denver shuts off in mid-warble. He holds it over a half-drunk cup of tea.

“I would suggest you put that phone back where it was Eggsy.”

“And I would suggest you give me my blanket.”

“There is quite a lot of difference between a piece of technology worth more than your miserable life and a scrap of fabric that isn’t fit to polish my table.”

The phone lowers. “My blanket.”

“For fuck’s sake. It’s in the wash. It walked down the stairs and begged me to wash it.”

“The phone stays with me until I get it back.” Eggsy sways again.

“I’ll just take it back when you pass out.”

Eggsy puts it down the front of his pants.

“Lad, if you think that will stop me, you are sorely mistaken.”

“You fucking wouldn’t.”

“Try me.”

“Well, when you reach down there think about the fact that I skipped my shower yesterday in favor of a nap.” He grinds his palm against his crotch. “Should be lovely there right about now.”

An hour later, his blanket, dryer fresh and still warm, drops on his head and a hand encased in a blue latex glove is in front of his face.

“Phone.”

Eggsy laughs as he hands it to him, the curl to Merlin’s lip setting him off so much that he is bent double with coughing within seconds.

“Merlin,” he calls after him.

A deep sigh comes from behind Eggsy. “Yes, Eggsy?”

“Can I have some toast?”

“Only if I can cram it down your throat.”

Fifteen minutes later Eggsy gets his toast and it only faintly tastes of sanitizer.

—————

**Friday**

“Merlin,” Eggsy croaks out, “why am I naked while you give me a sponge bath?”

“Because your fever is soaring, lad, and I don’t want to be the one that tells Harry his sex doll deflated while he was away.”

“He’d be pissed. I’m the best thing that happened to him. I’m the best thing that’s happened to _Kingsman_.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. I am positive your _Daddy_ thinks he is. He thinks he’s the best thing that happened to everyone.”

“He ain’t my Daddy, but he is the best thing that happened to me, swear down.” Eggsy thinks for a moment. “Is he my Daddy? Maybe I should call him that, you know, see if it gets him going, yeah? Like when I…”

The cold flannel is smushed against his mouth.

“What the fuck?” Eggsy sputters.

Merlin hums and keeps wiping Eggsy down.

“Merlin?”

“Yes, Eggsy,” Merlin sighs.

“Why are you bald? Freak accident in the labs one day? You shave it to make yourself look more like a serial killer? Or maybe you make tiny bollocks toupees out of it when you shave it. Are you bald on your bollocks too?” Eggsy tries to giggle but sounds like a car turning over instead.

“Eggsy, keep talking and I will sedate you.”

“Bruv, I bet you wouldn’t. You like to act like you're a mean fucker, but you’re just a soft…”

Eggsy wakes up, clothed this time, but feeling like his skin is on inside out with all his nerves showing. His strips out of his clothes and wraps back up in his blanket. He is hot and cold in waves. He wants tea. He wants ice water. He wants Merlin to come sedate him again so he can sleep through this nightmare.

“Always with the damn blanket. I’m going to have to wash it all over again.”

Eggsy jumps and wheels around to see Merlin sitting in the chair in the corner of the room.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Eggsy asks as he rubs his hands over his face, remembering what happened the last time he fell asleep around Merlin.

“Making sure you don’t die. Lay down and let me check your temperature.”

“No, I’m sick of having that thing shoved in my mouth every five minutes,” he says as Merlin looms over him.

“It can go in your mouth or your arse, doesn’t matter to me a bit.”

Eggsy opens his mouth to tell Merlin he wouldn’t dare and then remembers he just woke from a drug induced nap. He keeps his mouth open for the thermometer.

“Still too high. I’m calling Gipson.”

“I ain’t going to medical.”

“I’ll ask if he can come here. I have no intention of being in a cab with you and the revolting germ farm you are right now.”

“Can I have…”

“Yes, Eggsy, I’ll bring you some goddamn tea. You’re too sick to even torment at this point. You've ruined the whole point of this exercise.”

Eggsy smiles.

Gipson shows up some indeterminate time later, gives Eggsy no less than three shots, one right in his arse while Merlin laughs in the corner and Eggsy yelps. Gipson fusses and tuts, and finishes the visit by saying how wonderful it must be to have friends to take care of him like Merlin is doing.

“Doc, he’s been a terror.”

“I’m sure that’s not true. Merlin is a wonderful friend.”

“He drew a cock on my face.”

“He was hallucinating, Alan, raving,” Merlin says from the chair.

“High fevers will do that.”

“I wasn’t hallucinating. You _told_ me you did it. I _saw_ it on my face.”

“Eggsy, I would never do such a thing.” Merlin smiles like he’s the nice person Gipson believes him to be.

“He made me listen to John Denver.”

“Music is good for the soul, Eggsy. There are some theories that it actually promotes healing. Soothing melodies like the late Mr. Denver are perfect for rest and relaxation.”

“That’s what I thought too, but kids these days,” Merlin says, practically batting his eyes.

“True. I’ve heard what our dear Eggsy considers music the last time he spent time in medical. Horrifying. It’s good of you to try to broaden his horizons.”

Eggsy is going to commit fucking murder in less than five seconds.

“He made me eat fucking Cullen Skank.”

“Skink.”

“It tasted like a skank.”

“You would know,” Merlin says, glaring at Eggsy from behind Gipson’s back.

“He _drugged_ me.”

“Nutritious food, medication, and rest are the most important things you can get when you’re sick.”

“Oh my _god_ ,” Eggsy wants to yell but doesn’t have the vocal cords to do it.

Merlin stands behind Gipson laughing silently.

“Well, that should do it for now,” Gipson says, patting his cheek. “If you aren’t feeling better in forty-eight hours, I will insist that you come to medical.” He stands and turns to Merlin who has recomposed his face into someone who actually looks like they care. “Keep up the good work, Merlin.”

“I will, Alan, and thank you for coming out here to see him.”

Merlin shows the doctor out and comes back to the bedroom where Eggsy lies pouting.

“It’s no use trying to tell him anything,” Merlin says. “His nephew used to be in with a bad crowd and I made a few things go away. He thinks I shit sunbeams.”

—————

**Saturday**

—————

**Sunday**

Eggsy wakes up, disoriented, starving, and with a catheter stuck in his cock. He tries not to think about the fucking thing but he swears he can feel it moving around in there where things have no business moving around. He might be hyperventilating.

“Merlin?” he yells. _Pant, Pant._ “Merlin? Oh god, help.”

“Christ, lad, what the fuck is wrong?”

“Get this fucking thing out of me.”

“Honestly, Eggsy, you act like this is the first time you’ve had one.”

“It’s the first time I’ve had one sober, for fuck’s sake. Get. It. Out.”

Merlin reaches for his cock.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Taking out the catheter, as you asked.”

“You don’t have to touch my cock.”

“I think you’ll find that I do. I did when I put it in.”

“You fucking… while I was asleep you… Does Harry know you’re a pervert?”

“It’s not as if I jerked you off, Eggsy. It very clinical. Not even friendly. I didn’t laugh once. At least out loud.”

“Fine, just get it out.” Eggsy looks at the ceiling while he doesn’t think about Merlin sliding… _oh god, it’s sliding out…_ Eggsy’s stomach swoops. He definitely prefers being drugged to the gills with that cute little nurse in medical taking care of this issue instead of Morose Merlin.

“You ain’t got to stare it it, bruv. Never seen one this big before?”

Merlin’s eyebrows crawl up his forehead, his eyes widen, and then he breaks into laughter that is so loud Eggsy jumps. Merlin laughs until he is crying, laughs until he has slipped from the seated position on the bed on to the floor, laughs until _he’s_ the one that is close to hyperventilating.

“Have I ever… that big? Sweet baby Christ in a hand knit blanket,” he gasps from the floor. “Thank you, Eggsy. I needed that,” Merlin says, still breathless, as he pulls himself up from the floor.

“Why the fuck was that in me to begin with?”

“I needed some peace and quiet.”

“And that meant I needed a piss bag?”

“No, the fact I sedated you for twenty-four hours to get that peace and quiet meant you needed a piss bag.”

“I’m telling Harry when he gets back.”

“Please do. Knowing what it's like living with you, he’ll keep the idea in his back pocket for future use. You have no idea how annoying you can be when you whine. Christ, it would drive a man to drink if I wasn’t already drinking.”

“What the fuck day is it?”

“Sunday.”

“You really did it, you fucking knocked me out for the second time just so you could listen to that shit music all by yourself.”

“I did. One of the most enjoyable Saturdays I have had in a long time. Would you like something to eat? You must be starving by now.”

—————

**Monday**

One more day, one more day until Harry gets home and Merlin leaves and Eggsy’s life goes back to normal. A life that does not involve non-consensual sedation, catheters, Cullen Skank, country music, or fucking pricks who steal his blanket. He pulls the blanket tighter around his shoulders and hugs Mr. Snuffles to his chest.

He is going to stay in this room until Harry gets back. He won’t go downstairs for nothing. Won’t give that bald prick of a fucking arsehole one more moment to torment him. He will eat Harry’s special stash of chocolate biscuits he keeps in the table next to his side of the bed that he thinks Eggsy doesn’t know about but that Eggsy has replaced twice because he got high as fuck with Rox and they had the munchies.

“Eggsy,” he hears from the doorway, “I made you some tea.”

“Ain’t no use in sucking up now. I’m telling Harry all of it.”

He feels the bed dip behind him as Merlin stretches out on it.

“Do you really think Harry doesn’t know how I am?”

“He couldn’t if he left you with me.”

“Ten years ago, maybe twelve, Harry got sick with the worst chest cold I’ve ever seen. He, being the lovable person he is...” Merlin drinks some tea.

“You’re fucking drinking my tea, bruv?”

“You didn’t want it.”

Eggsy flops over so he can glare at Merlin who just rolls his eyes and hands Eggsy the second cup he brought up.

“Anyway, as I was saying, Harry, being a complete twat, had no one to call to take care of him, and since he won’t go to medical with a gunshot wound, going with a cold was right out, so he called me. I tried to be a friend about it because Harry is my friend despite the fact I amuse myself by planning his death.”

Eggsy laughs even though he still hates Merlin.

“For the first two days I played the dutiful nursemaid, then he started to get on my nerves.”

“How?”

“He was breathing. He turned into more of a child than he normally is. He wanted his head rubbed and then his tummy, which I told him I would if I could test the new signet ring while I was doing it. He wanted those poncey fucking cucumber sandwiches. By the time he was better I’d practically forced the illness out of him by sheer will alone because one more day would have found him dead on my floor.”

“So if he knows you’re a complete arsehole, why the fuck did he leave me with you?”

“Because I’m the only one he trusts to make sure you don’t die.” Merlin thinks for a moment. “Although he will probably have words with me about drugging you for a day, but I’ve heard worse from better people.”

“Would have rather had Percival,” Eggsy mumbles into his tea.

“Please, he has the immune system of a petri dish. He would have been sick the minute he looked at you. You got me, and you’re feeling better, and you got plenty of rest and nourishment.”

“You drugged me and fed me the most awful shit I’ve ever fucking tasted, bruv.”

“But you’re better, and that lad, is what matters, my methods do not.”

“Who else have you terrorized like this?”

“Percival once had a fever so bad he was hallucinating in medical. Would you like to hear about that?”

“ _Yes_ , Merlin.”

—————

**Tuesday**

Eggsy wakes to the sound of Merlin and Harry speaking downstairs.

“I expect you back at work this coming Monday, Eggsy. I don’t care if Harry has to roll you in,” Merlin bellows.

And then?

And then Merlin is finally gone.

Which makes him the tiniest bit sad because yesterday was fucking aces. Merlin told him stories about Harry and Perce and the rest of the agents that Eggsy can’t wait to drop into causal conversations at the worst time possible. In fact, take away the shitty food, and the missed day, and the fucking _awful_ music, Eggsy thinks he might like Merlin.

A little.

Like a fingernail’s worth.

Possibly half a fingernail.

Harry comes into the bedroom where Eggsy is much the way he left him a week ago, only on the couch, burrito-ed in his blanket and pissed off at him.

“Darling, Merlin says you’re feeling better.”

Eggsy huffs and turns away from him.

“Don’t be like that, Eggsy. You were very sick. I had to leave you with someone I could trust to handle whatever happened.”

“You could have picked someone other than Nurse Ratched.”

Harry laughs as he rubs his hand along Eggsy’s side. “I remember calling him the same when he took care of me.”

“Yeah, told me about that, he did. Said you were a baby.”

“I have no qualms about admitting that. Was it that horrible?”

“He fed me Cullen Skank.”

Harry chokes a little at this. “Did you call it that to his face?”

“I did. And he drugged me. Lost all of Saturday. And he fucking gave me some creeper sponge bath, but I had a high fever, so I’ll forgive him that.”

“If you really called it Cullen Skank to his face, I can’t blame him for drugging you. That's his pride and joy, although I think it might be the only thing he can cook. He’s almost religious about it.”

“You ain’t mad about him drugging me, Harry? The fuck, bruv?”

“I admire his tenacity. I’ve thought about it myself a few times.”

“Why don’t you go back to fucking Scotland,” Eggsy replies.

Harry leans against the headboard and pulls Eggsy to him. Eggsy goes, even though he’s still pissed because Harry is a fucking _dick_ but having Harry’s (the _dick_ ) arms around him feels fucking perf. Harry kisses the top of Eggsy's head.

“I am very happy to be home with you, darling.”

“Yeah? You got a lot of shit to make up for as soon as I am feeling better.”

“I'm looking forward to it.”

—————

**Two weeks later**

Merlin’s doorbell rings and he almost crawls to the door to answer it.

Not really. He makes it standing up, but barely.

He opens it to find Eggsy beaming at him wearing florescent sports wear that makes his head throb and he has a bag of groceries over his arm.

“Harry said you were sick Merls, so I’m here to help.”

“Like fuck you are,” Merlin says and tries to close the door.

 _Snick_.

A dart hits him in the neck and the last thing he hears before he slumps into Eggy’s waiting arms is “Payback is a _bitch_.”

He wakes up some unknown amount of time later to find Eggsy sitting on his bed next to him with a plate of food. He thinks it’s food. It might be toy food from the unnatural color.

“What,” he rasps, taking the water Eggsy hands him and drinking it, “is that?”

“Chicken nuggets and mac’n’cheese.”

“I didn’t know cheese came in that color.”

“The good kind does. Now have a bite.”

“No.”

“Merlin, it puts the mac’n’cheese in its mouth or it gets the dart again. Now open.”

“Nope. I need healthy food, I'm sick.”

“I know, and I'm here to make sure you get all nice and better.”

“Eggsy, no.”

“Merlin, yes. How can I not take care of you when you took such good care of me? I have enough things here that I won’t even have to leave your side until you’re better.”

“This was Harry’s idea.”

“No, but he was awfully encouraging. Now, eat.”

Merlin presses his lips together and shakes his head even though he can really only breathe out of about half of one nostril.

 _Snick_.

“I warned you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated but never required. 
> 
> Self-beta'd so if you see something I missed, let a girl know, yeah?
> 
> Come see me on [tumblr](http://violyntfemme.tumblr.com).


End file.
